God and Katy

"Held-By Natalie Grant Two months is too little They let him go They had no sudden healing To think that providence Would take a child from his mother While she prays, is appalling Who told us we'd be rescued What has changed and Why should we be saved from nightmares Were asking why this happens to us Who have died to live, it's unfair This is what it means to be held How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was that when everything fell We'd be held This hand is bitterness We want to taste it and Let the hatred numb our sorrows The wise hand opens slowly To lilies of the valley and tomorrow This is what it means to be held How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was that when everything fell We'd be held If hope if born of suffering If this is only the beginning Can we not wait, for one hour Watching for our savior This is what it means to be held How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was that when everything fell We'd be held"

I write this blog on the other side of the struggle; after the Lord has brought clarity, peace, comfort, and words. During my Job season (see previous blog), I felt so unsure of everything. I questioned things, doubts crept in, and I felt worn out in my struggles. Today, however, I can see the beauty born from the ashes. Today, I am further in my walk with the Lord, I feel confident when I pray that he will answer and he hears me, and I view life a little differently. The above song has been a blessing to my soul as we walk through the after math of a dear friend's death. My sweet friend Katy Jo Morris went home to be with the Lord after a long battle with cancer. She passed away on Thanksgiving. Katy was a picture of a redeemed life...living vibrantly for the Lord. She is with the King of Kings now and gets to see his face. The thought of this overwhelms me. Another thing that overwhelms me is how God used this friend even after her death to shape my spiritual growth. It was a few weeks back now that I had a dream about Katy. The dream was not long, but it was very profound. The dream was placed in a sanctuary and I was located at the very back. Immediately, I heard someone over a loud speaker say Katy's best friend's name. I then saw this friend and we together walked to the front of the isle where we met Katy. She looked 10 years younger and full of life. We were able to hug her, cry with her, and just be with her for a few brief seconds. That was it. That was the whole dream. Well, the next day was super rough for me as I mourned my friend. I decided to write on Katy's Facebook wall as an outlet for this dream. AND I am so glad I did! Several people commented on the post, but one in particular blew me away. The very friend I walked the isle with in the dream had also dreamed about Katy that night!! This to me was a confirmation that God really had allowed us to see Katy one more time on this side of glory. My heart is overwhelmed at God's blessing to us! He continues to be very near in this sweet season and has given me more and more affection for Him! I am blessed to have a Dad who loves me this much! We are blessed to have a King that loves US this much! Thank you Lord! AND thank you Katy for being a blessing to us all! Love you sister!

Life in the storm: My Job Story

I have always believed that I was walking in line with the will of God. I always hoped my thoughts, plans, and dreams lined up with all God had for me. However, as a parent of a little girl who can be super stubborn, I find myself asking if all the frustration I feel toward Ady at times is actually a picture of how frustrating I can be to God. The answer here is YES! When Ady asks for chocolate pudding before dinner and I tell her she will have to wait until after she eats dinner to enjoy such a tasty treat, she typically loses it with crying and screaming. She just cannot grasp what waiting means. Waiting does not mean NO, it means WAIT. With this said, here goes the story of the last few months. Life has been hard. My faith has been tested. My patience, strength, and energy have been shot. Everything about the past few months has pushed me past myself, out of my own ability, and into the loving and patient arms of my Father who is the only one that could see me through the storm. Several months back, Michael and I made the decision for him to leave his job as it was a very abusive environment and was over working him at around 65 hours per week. At that time, Michael also started seminary so we decided that for a small season, Michael would stay with the girls during the day, do his studies, and attempt to start up a retreat ministry. While we had to be on a budget and watch every penny we spent, life was good. However, a few short months into this plan, Michael expressed to me his discontentment with not working. Around the same time, we found out that the apartment community we live at was going through a transition and we would have to be out of our home by October 31st. The reason why this matters so much is that we receive a nice a discount on rent that allowed for our current lifestyle. With the discounted rent gone, we really would not be able to make ends meet. Additionally, we really wanted to be in a house where the girls would have room to run and play and where Pixy could have a back yard (this part might sound silly, but our poor dog just keeps getting fatter and fatter from apartment life). So Michael began his job search once again. Job searching has been very rough on us over the past year. Since October 2012, Michael has sent out over 250 resumes to various jobs with about a third or more going to churches. It has been so difficult to see Michael rejected from church after church. The frustrating part is that churches seem to be looking for anyone with a seminary degree regardless of what their undergraduate degree. In other words, church search committees seem to be more interested in Bob who has a 4 year degree in Biology, but has a 2/3 year seminary degree. Michael has a 4 year undergraduate degree in Bible and has begun his seminary degree, yet no one really seems interested. The frustrating thing has been that we (both Michael and myself) have always believed that God's plan for our lives was to minister through a church or on the mission field. 5 years into marriage and the real world, but still no vocational ministering can be hard to grasp. The Lord HAS given us both peace in this direction and we both are pressing forward toward an end goal of Michael becoming a college professor of Bible (that means we have quite a few more years to finish up seminary and PH.D work). With all this said, Michael continued to send out resumes, but began a focus primarily on secular jobs. He started going on interview after interview starting in October; however each job ended up being some crazy sales and marketing scheme where you were paid on commission only and had to knock on front doors for those sales. Nothing about those jobs sounded rewarding or secure. So we kept pressing on. In the meantime, we were given the possibility of renting this BEAUTIFUL home in Flower Mound that was literally 1.3 miles from our church. The landlord was helping out her family and would be gone for a couple of years, but wanted to keep her home in Flower Mound. Therefore, she was only going to charge us the flat out mortgage costs for the home making it super affordable in a great neighborhood. We were stoked! However, our joy ended abruptly when I received a call that the home ended up leasing to a person who had expressed interest before our conversation with the landlord had started. I was devastated. It had felt like God had just handed us a home in the midst of crunch time. At that time, we were down to 3 weeks before we had to be out of our apartment and yet we had no place to go. Additionally, I started to notice certain signs that would indicate I was pregnant. We immediately took a pregnancy test and found out that I was for sure pregnant!! Ever since my second baby was born, I have said that I never wanted to be pregnant again. My body does crazy things when I have a healthy baby on board! I just did not want to go through that again and frankly, I really wanted to adopt. HOWEVER, God is who He is and makes NO mistakes. Once the result was final, I joyfully accepted that I was going to be a mommy again to a precious little baby. I began to day dream just like any other mother and desperately wanted to tell friends and family of the news. HOWEVER, we decided to wait on sharing our news until Michael had a job and I was out of the first trimester or super close to being out of it. The reason for this was that back before I became pregnant with Ainsly, I had a miscarriage that was devastating. I did not want to go through the process of telling everyone who knew I was pregnant that I had lost the baby again. So we kept it pretty quite. I was getting more and more excited every step of the way and started craving BEAN BURRITOS again (that has been my staple diet through each pregnancy). My only concern was the normal super crazy morning sickness (mine tends to last all day)never started. This concerned me, but I began to think it just meant I was having a boy (I am told boy and girl pregnancies are very different?). Well the truth of it was that the baby was not healthy and at 7 weeks, I lost the pregnancy. My heart was so devastated. I had truly felt as though God had shifted my entire mind set on the day we lost the house, but had gained a baby. I thought it all meant that God has his own plans and I need to fall in line with Him. I think it did mean those things, but so does the miscarriage. God re-shaped my entire world view through all of this. He took me past the point of myself and pressed me into His strength. God has always prepared me for big life changes in the past in some way or another. He did so again about 2 weeks before I miscarried. I was watching 19 Kids and Counting (you may think the Duggars are crazy for having so many babies, but that is all on God. They are faithful to Him and such an inspiration to me)and this particular episode was when Michelle (Mom) miscarried her child at 17 weeks. Her first response after realizing there was no heart beat was to say "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." For whatever reason, I held on to that verse over the next 2 weeks and it was a good thing that I had. So when the long process of miscarriage began, I was able to quote the same verse. It was very helpful to me. Additionally, I believe both of my babies are in Heaven with our Father. I think God creates the soul at conception and that some day I will see my sweet children face to face. So in the end, God did make a way for us. It took longer than I expected and really tested my faith. It turned out that the apartment community transition was pushed back and we now have until November 30th to be out. This ended up being perfect as Michael FINALLY got a full time job and will have worked 3 weeks by the time we have to be out of the apartment. We are currently house searching with my brother Zach (a GREAT realtor with Small World Realty if anyone is interested). Additionally, God finally spoke through the silence of the past few weeks and months this past Sunday at church. Matt (my pastor) was talking about how we grow in sanctification. We grow by pressing into God and by putting sin to death. God is the one who changes us, not ourselves. We cannot "white knuckle" our way through life in trying to abstain from sin. This doesn't please God, nor is it what we are called to. God wants us to be NEW people, fully transformed in light of the gospel of Christ. I want to overflow and be a light to others in everything. I want to open my mouth and share the amazing freedom and grace that has been bestowed upon me. Who knows what God's plans are? I sure don't, but I will walk boldly in the direction He leads. It is going to be an adventure!

Jesus, My Joy

Well it's a hard day...We started the day by taking Daddy (Michael) to airport at 8am. He will be in the beautiful state of Oregon for 11 days for school and tests. After we dropped Michael off, we had to take Ainy for her 1 year shots! Everything started out well at the doctor, but after 45 minutes of waiting in the lobby, we were all starting to act wild. We finally made our way into our own little room. At that point, I found out that the DTAP shot is still on back order (Ainy has only received her 2 and 4 month DTAP vaccines as she was not able to receive this shot at her 6 months and now 12 month visits). I attempted to see if the health department would give the shots to us, but from what I read on their site, you have to either be on CHIP, Medicaid, or be uninsured to be vaccinated there. Lastly, I asked my doctor if there were other pediatricians we could visit just for that shot and she told me that the shortage is across the board. My only hope now is to hold out until the vaccine comes off of backorder. Here comes my fear...what happens if Ainy gets sick?! Another thought is Michael is job searching right now so we will most likely be putting them in a day care or group babysitter setting...will the school even allow Ainy to go there without the vaccine? Needless to say, I left the doctor’s office with a screaming baby, a very tired and wild 3 year old, and in low spirits. I finally got home and put both girls to sleep and let it all sink in. As I sit here with low spirits and the beginning of loneliness setting in (this tends to be my first response when Michael leaves on trips...although I was hoping I was getting better here), I do hear the soft small voice of God asking me to reach out to Him. The Lord is in control of all things and He is to be the one my heart desires above all else. When I am down, I need to run to Him. I need Him to take this weary heart and revolutionize it by His power and might. So often I fail to comprehend that the God of the universe also made me and LOVES me beyond belief! He really really does!! On that note, I also have been hearing the snaky voice of the enemy telling me lies about how I am not who I want to be and not good enough to ever be that person. What a snaky jerk the devil is!! Praise be to God that we are more than conquerors over the enemy by the blood of Jesus!! Praise God that He is real and true and the only way to eternal life! Thank you Jesus for making me stand firm even in times when I could easily crumble. You are worthy to receive all honor and glory! "At that time Jesus declared, "I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:25-30 Thank you for revealing yourself to me Lord...you are my peace, joy, and rest! Amen!

A New Start

Coming back from a 9 month hiatus...

I started blogging as a way to faithfully share and bring to light all that God was teaching me through life, but over the past several months, I have been very unfaithful in posting.  My goal going forward is to post far more often.  There are numerous times when the Lord has laid a post on my heart, but before I sit down to write, the idea is gone.  My hope is that I will faithfully post and proclaim all the Lord is asking of me.

Let me catch you up on all that has happened in the past 9 months.
1. I was recruited to WRS (a different management company--much larger).
2. We moved back to our hometown of Lewisville.
3. My NEW property went up for sale and I was transferred to a mid-rise, higher end community in Dallas (near downtown).
4. We left our homegroup that we started 3 years ago and became members of another group closer to us.
5. We began coaching two wonderful sets of homegroup leaders in the Lewisville area.
6. Last but not least, Michael started seminary and is currently job searching (so if you know of anything, let me know :)).

As you can see, our lives have really been in a season of change and transition.  With so much transition, I find myself dreaming about all the future may hold.  I day dream often of moving into a house, Michael starting a new job, and/or us moving to Africa (or anywhere really) as missionaries.  Sometimes I feel as though my life is on hold until we can transition into one of the above dreams.  However, as Paul says, "...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content."  I need contentment.  God numbers our days and lays out the steps of our lives; He knows what He is doing and His time is perfect.  I will rest in this, especially on days when my emotions get the better of me.  With that said, it is possible the Lord is transitioning us for missions or ministry and so we are working on plans to really cut out all debt (mainly student loans) as quickly as possible.  The goal is to have at least one (but hopefully both) of my student loans paid off before next summer (that is a BIG feat, but we can do it!).  Once this is done, we hope to be able to save each semester so that we can pay in full for the upcoming semester of Michael's seminary training.  This will allow us so much more freedom in where we spend our dollar (not that we have crazy high student loans).  The bigger idea here is that we position ourselves in a place where we are free from chains of bondage to any certain location (specifically the States); if we are debt free, we are then free to travel the world and go where God leads without looking back.  I am thankful to the Lord for placing these goals on our hearts and for our friends Matt and Amanda who set a good example for us!

I will leave you with updated pictures of our little family. :)

Talk to you soon!

Love,
Alyson

"Who Are You?" God asks.

Job 38-40 displays God breaking through His silence and answering Job in the midst of his suffering.  God tells him to "Dress for action like a man; I will question you and you will make it known to me."  Job is then questioned repeatedly about where he was when God laid the foundations of the earth, tell me who shut the doors of the sea so the water would only go so far, who has authority over the animals and weather?  Job humbles himself and declares his error and sees that God is holy and Job is not.  All things belong to God (even Job) and He has authority to do as He pleases and His will dictates.

Oh that I would live in that mind set.  We are not our own, we are His.  I am His.  Michael, the girls, and me are His.  Yesterday we learned that Michael did not get a youth minister position of which we had been interviewing for over the last several weeks.  We had been praying for this position and all that the future had to hold almost every moment we were awake.  We both honestly thought the position was for him (the church, for us).  Our first emotions were that it would be okay and we know firmly that God will provide another place.  However, as the day continued we both felt our discontentment grow.  We were really ready for the next phase of life to begin and now we feel a bit lost.  Lost to know if we should just continue to patiently wait or to pursue other avenues of employment.  We both really want to be out the city, to have a house, to be planted well in a church where we can faithfully serve and be known.  In all of this, several questions arose.  Are we walking in God's will?  Is there something in our lives that disqualifies us from ministry (for Michael, it has been years of school and now he is ready...for me, I have been out of school for 4.5 years and have not used my degree in a vocational sense at all)?  Where are we to go from here?  I even asked whether or not I had the Spirit as a deposit in me.  The reason for that question came from, "are we walking well with God?"  If we are not, then we need the Spirit to direct us well because we feel as though we are.  We want to be filled with the Spirit and be about the things of God always.  Jesus is Savior and has saved our souls and lives.  He has laid forth the true gospel before us....that we were dead and He made us alive again....for his glory and our freedom!  We will hold to that.  We will trust Him for He knows all things and we see as only a reflection in a mirror.  Even a year from now, we will know where He wants us to be.

Father,

I seek your direction.  We seek your direction.  Both vocationally and spiritually.  Please lead us in you and give us peace.  Forgive us for our impatience and lack of understanding.  Please increase our trust and belief in you.  We are yours, fully surrendered to you and your plans.  May we live with reckless abandon filled with joy and anticipation of your return.  We love you and desire to serve you well in all we do both vocationally and non-vocationally.  Please remove all idols from our hearts including and most especially ourselves.  Be the center of our everything...remove us from sitting on high.

Love,
Your Child Alyson

Obeying Jesus is like....

Why do you call me Lord, Lord, and not do what I tell you?  Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like:  he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock.  And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built.  But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation.  Went he stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.  Luke 6:46-49

When we follow Jesus, fully surrendered to him, He hides our hearts in Him.  During all seasons of life, we stand securely knowing He will always take care of us.  Even when hard times come or times of waiting are extended, we are not shaken because Jesus is our Rock and Foundation.  He has made us His to do His will in His timing.  It is not reversed....we belong to HIM!!  I pray my heart would always remember this in every season. 

The Lord Gives and The Lord Takes Away

Then Job rose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped.  And he said, " Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return.  The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."  In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.  Job 1:20-22

I have a beautiful friend who loves Jesus and passionately shares Christ with those around her.  Her hope and joy rest securely in Christ.  She is a true inspiration and a delight to know.  With that said, this same friend has gone through difficult seasons in life to where instead of running from Christ (although there may have been some running) she ultimately ran to Him.  This friend is the oldest of 4 siblings born to a young couple with the hopes of a long joy filled life.  When my friend was 6 years old, her Mom unexpectedly died due to a sickness that came on quickly and took her quickly.  Dad was left to raise 4 children all under the age of 6; needless to say, the family was very close to Dad.  Then when my friend was in college, over Christmas break her Dad was admitted to the hospital and in a matter of weeks was diagnosed and died of cancer. 

On the eve of my friend's wedding her grandmother (Mom's Mom) gave her a little keep sake book that she had been filling out for my friend for years.  As my friend looked through the book she discovered that her grandmother had written at the time of Mom's death, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away."  As a Christian, my friend finds peace in that statement.  To me, it signifies the strength with which God gave to her family.  For them to be able to make it through, to say such a statement, and for my friend to be such a joyful delight, the Lord truly has guided their steps.

I am so thankful for a Father who cares for us and is the AUTHOR of our faith.  He allows us to cling to Him in all situations and is the one who provides the strength to do so.  As my friend told me the story of her grandmother's words this week, I was filled with emotion.  I actually had to excuse myself from our home group setting and go to the bathroom to ball my eyes out!  Often times I think that if something happened to Michael or my sweet girls,  I would be devastated and unable to go on.  However, I know now the Lord truly provides strength and is the ultimate reason for my life.  He has blessed me with being a wife and a mother, but should He so choose, it could all be over today.  I am praying that the Lord truly is my first love and that I am securely relying and hoping in Him.  If the Lord were to take away, I would be more than just sad, but I know Christ would carry me through.

Seek true joy in Christ....