My heart utterly breaks while thinking about the numerous conversations my husband and I have had over and over again in the last month. I have gone from complete security to feeling lost. I feel like my anchor is floating through the water with no ground to secure us to. All of this is due to the theological disagreement Michael and I are struggling with.
Our marriage has always been one of relative ease and joy. Michael truly is my best friend and I turn to him in almost every life situation; however during the conversations of the last little while, my emotions have pointed me in the opposite direction wanting me to run (by run, I mean shut down and not talk about the situation anymore and pretend it is not taking place....not physically running, but definitely emotionally running). On top of the confusion and fear, the Lord has revealed bitter ugliness in me. How complacent I can be in my walk with the Lord. I get into my routine of Bible Study, prayers (short throughout the day or a little longer during Bible study, but not true pour out your heart to the Lord prayers), and "Christian Action." My heart tends to fall back into this legalistic tendency without even realizing it and before I know it, my walk has become mundane. I stop and think, when was the last time the Spirit led my prayer life? When was the last time I heard the Lord speak? On top of the devastating emotional struggle this produces in me, I then begin to think about how much more Michael is pursuing the Lord. He truly seeks the Father and studies scripture often. Michael is truly seeking the Lord and with this theological struggle we are speaking of I begin to get scared. Is the Lord really showing Michael that this is truth? If so, why would he not show this to me as well and clear up the issue? Additionally, why hasn't the Lord revealed these things to be true to my heroes of the faith (Michaels too) like John Piper, Matt Chandler, C.S. Lewis? I have begun to really question these devout men of the Lord and whether or not it is safe to trust them (everything in me wants to fully trust them). At the same time I do realize that our hope should never be placed on man and that I should always read or listen to others with discernment. I so want to trust the Lord here, but really do not know which way is truth. They both seem like valid arguments and in the end, I do not think one belief versus the other disqualifies anyone for ministry....it does however change how you would act out ministry.
Please pray for us on this matter. I know I am being rather vague, but I hope you can see the sincere struggle in my heart over this. Please pray that the Lord lands us on the same ground and that it is complete truth! Please pray that the enemy will not gain a foothold in either of us nor our marriage. Please seek rest and peace for us. Lastly, please pray that the Father's purposes for the struggle will prevail and that this will become an important part of our sanctification.
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